Given how much of our life we spend in conversation, you’d assume we’d be pretty good at listening by now.
You would be wrong.
Research suggests that we only remember between 25 and 50 percent of what we hear. This means that for at least half the time we’re ‘listening’ to someone, we’re not paying little attention. We’re not really listening at all.
Anecdotally, this feels true. I listen to a lot of podcasts, and frequently find myself realising I’ve heard nothing for the past 5 minutes, immersed as I’ve been in the to-do list inside my mind.
In conversation with friends and loved ones I hope I’m a little better.
At work I’m much better.
But this is only because of something I was taught and practice often: empathic listening.
Empathic listening is the process of paying deep attention to what someone is saying and making an emotional connection with their words. It’s the ability to be understanding and responsive to others’ input during a conversation that allows you (as the listener) to better relate to their feelings, emotions, opinions and viewpoint.
You don’t have to agree with someone when you listen in this way, but it does enable you to more fully understand a situation (both facts and feelings). It’s a useful skill to learn, and, having glanced at social media this morning, I think it’s needed now more than ever…
Getting ‘good’ at empathic listening is a lifetime endeavour; it requires patience, self-awareness and (of course) empathy. There are, however, a few small things you can start doing now that will make a big difference to how you listen.
5 Tips for Empathic Listening
1. Be non-judgmental
It’s not easy, but empathic listening requires you to put aside your own opinions and views, so that you are free and open to focus on the other person’s perspective. You don’t need to agree with everything they’re saying, but it’s important to acknowledge their viewpoint and respect/accept their emotions.
2. Give your un-divided attention
A very obvious point, but one that all of us are guilty of completely ignoring. To listen fully you have to give your full focus so remove distractions (i.e. your phone) and if it’s a big conversation then try not to have something else around that requires a lot of your attention (such as a small child). Note to self: giving your full focus is a sign of respect.
3. Practice 360 degree listening
Let yourself absorb the words that someone is saying, but also the bigger picture – their tone of voice, body language and any other non-verbal cues you may pick up on. In response, think about your own way of being – mirroring someone’s body language is a proven method for making them feel comfortable which in turn makes them more likely to open up and share (it’s something we journalists do often in interviews :))
4. Be patient
One of the hardest parts of listening is not interrupting, especially if we strongly agree or disagree with what someone is saying. Resist the urge to jump in with your own take or story, and instead give the person time and space to speak. Do not fill pauses – often someone needs a few more silent moments to either gather their thoughts or emotions. The silence may feel deeply awkward, that’s okay
5. Respond thoughtfully
Finally, empathetic listening requires some kind of response, although this may not always be with words. If you do speak, respond according to that person and remember than sometimes it will be appropriate to share your own story or view, and sometimes it will not. The best feedback in that moment could also be non-verbal (eye contact or nodding) which will show your attentiveness without centering yourself in the conversation.
Empathic listening is not easy and can actually be quite tiring (all that attention-paying!) but it’s also game-changing for so many relationships - at home, at work and even with the one with yourself. Try it out in a conversation this week and let me know how you get on.
Thanks for reading,
Lily x
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