Okay, I’m going to start by boring you briefly with how irritated I am by a contractor. Please stick with me, it’s leading somewhere useful…
In sum: they were meant to have completed something in our home 6 months ago and haven’t. Every time I text or email there’s either silence or a new excuse, and at this point I couldn’t actually care less about the thing being completed, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. But we’ve already paid and they won’t refund etc etc.
So far so normal, and I imagine this situation may be familiar to many of you as well. Oh and for clarity – this is 100% a 1st world problem, my home is functional and safe and warm without this contractor finishing their job. It’s an extra, a luxury add-on.
Yet even though I know that this is not a big deal (neither right now or in the grand scheme of things) I’m still really annoyed. And I don’t know about you, but for me these kinds of feelings easily spiral – once I’m angry about one thing I find myself feeling angry about other things that I may not even notice if I were in a different kind of mood - my children being slow to leave the house, traffic, people generally being people. You know, life.
I send myself on a downward spiral.
And in it I keep thinking about a) how annoyed I am and b) what a fucking waste of mental space, time and energy being this annoyed is.
But I do have a process I use to recover from a downward spiral, and after putting the question out on social media it turns out some of you would like to hear it! So here we go:
How To Create An Upward Mental Spiral
FYI, This works for all sorts of difficult emotional states, including sadness, frustration and burnout.
First and foremost, I dive headfirst into acceptance. Anger is a valid emotion in life and whether or not I think it’s disproportionate is irrelevant here. I’m angry and I’m not telling myself that it’s bad to feel that way. I’m not trying to push it away. I accept that I’m angry.
From that place of acceptance, I ask myself 3 questions. Firstly, why am I angry? I get curious about my anger. What’s the root? Is it actually a reflection of the situation, or is it about something else?
With that clarity I then ask: Is this reaction & thought pattern helpful? Am I supporting myself by being angry? Is this feeling getting me anywhere? I love this question so much as it really puts things into perspective and breaks the negative thought spiral.
Thirdly: What can I do, right now, to make things better for me? Often we think: If only (insert person) did this then I would feel (insert positive feeling). But the fact is we can’t control how other people are going to think or behave, all we have control over is our own reaction to the world, how we respond. This question gives me back some control and autonomy and helps me formulate a plan. I’m an action kind-of person, so this step is essential for me. In this instance, I went to spin class at lunchtime - I didn’t actually feel like going but I knew that moving my body and getting out of my head would help move the anger along and make me feel better. Which it did!
And finally, I find a thought or affirmation to repeat to myself each time I get angry. So this time it was: This does not actually matter. I said it to myself each time I felt angry, and each time it helped dissipate that feeling.
From this more helpful and useful mental place I can then face the actual reality of trying to get this contractor to do his job, while also not letting his actions impact my mental state. We always have a choice. We can choose to stew in our anger or we can do something about it and move it on. Me staying angry was more about me wanting to feel right – ie he is wrong and should be behaving differently/do his job – than showing up for myself in a useful way.
As always, this stuff is not easy. But, the more we draw ourselves out of a negative thought or feeling pattern and create a positive feedback loop by using these kinds of steps and questions, the easier it becomes to do it again the next time. The brain is actually very lazy, it thrives and learns through repetition, and then likes to automate as much as possible. So, like anything: practice, practice, practice, and hopefully it’ll become the norm.
And finally, if all else fails, I find that putting on some really loud music and dancing always does the trick.
What about you? What do you do to get yourself out of a downward spiral? I’d love to hear.
Just what I needed at the perfect time! Your letters are usually exactly that :) thank you!