Taking Care of Yourself: Future You v.s. Present You
How to know when the choice you're making is the right one
Hi, quickly… This is the last week to guarantee delivery of The Priorities Method Journal before Xmas. Packed with positive psychology-informed tools and mindset coaching techniques, it will help you connect with your individual focus, creativity and drive and give yourself (and/or your loved ones!) the best possible start to 2024. Click below to find out more.
Okay. I just spent a full hour trying to get my 2 year old to nap.
(For those who may not know – small children need naps, without them they turn into demons.)
He’s never been great at sleeping; naps in particular have been a struggle since day one.
These days, getting him to nap invariably involves us lying on a mattress on the floor, while he repeatedly head-butts me, takes all the covers so I’m freezing, grabs my face to try and talk and so on.
Honestly, it’s mostly not that nice.
Unless he falls asleep, in which case it’s bliss (especially at the weekend when I can nap too, albeit freezing, with no covers).
But I’d say half the time, he doesn’t sleep at all. At some point he wins the battle of wills and I give up. We simply continue with our day, with him now mostly demon.
And yet whenever I can, I still do it. Not just because he’s a better person (as we all are) after he’s slept. But because when I ask myself whether ‘Future Me’ I will ever regret lying and cuddling with my son as he tries to sleep, the answer is always no.
‘Present Me’ wants to get on with my work (writing this newsletter, for example!). She finds him deeply annoying, and feels irritated, sometimes angry, with the fact that he won’t ‘behave’ or submit to my will.
‘Future Me’, however, never wants miss a moment like this with my child. She wants to spend an hour trying to make him nap every day for the rest of her life. In fact she wants to spend her whole waking life with her children.
Present Me, not so much…
In life, there is almost always a toss up in our choices between a ‘Present’ and ‘Future’ version of ourselves.
The example with my son describes a situation in which present me is taking a hit at the expense of future me, but most of the time it’s more likely that future you will be taking the hit for what present you wants to do right now.
Present you wants to drink all the tequila. Future you is the one that will have to deal with the consequences.
Present you wants to stay in bed. Future you knows that you’ll feel better if you get up and get on with your work and your life.
Present you doesn’t want to go for a run/swim/hike/fast walk. Future you knows cardio exercise is good for your heart and general wellbeing.
And so on.
It’s natural to put short-term needs and desires ahead of what we know will be good for us in the long-term. This tendency is called present bias, and some studies have suggested that we do this because we cognitively struggle to perceive our future selves as ourselves. It seems we may be more likely to perceive them in the same way we perceive total strangers. (Isn’t the brain weird?)
It’s also natural to put short-term feelings (anger, frustration, envy) ahead of what we know won’t matter at all in the future. How often have you acted in a way – road rage is always a good example – that is disproportionate to the situation itself? I know that whenever I get worked up over something like waiting on the phone for a service company (hello, BT), I regret it. Future me always feels worse than if I’d just stayed calm in the moment. Easier said than done, of course…
Sometimes, present and future you align – you enjoy a walk in the moment and future you also benefits from the mental, emotional and physical health wins. Looking for these magic concentric circles in your life will make you happier, more content, and probably healthier too. Seek them out at every opportunity.
At other times, the choice is more complex. Present me wants to stay out late at a party with my friends, future me knows I’ll be exhausted and feel terrible tomorrow. BUT future future me knows that the two day hangover is worth the memories.
In The Journal (SUBTLE PLUG) there’s an exercise that invites you to imagine you’re 90ish years old and looking back on your life. It helps you zoom out and away from ‘Present You’, and think more about your bigger, lifetime priorities, to understand for yourself what you value and desire in the long-term.
As we round up the year and head into festive season, this is your reminder to find a moment in the next few weeks to check in with ‘Future You’ and use that person (stranger!) to make better choices… 3 questions that’ll help:
What are your long-term priorities?
What does Future You feel is important?
How can Present You better support that?
This is my last newsletter of 2023. I’ll be back in January, present me is planning to write something on habits and/or goals, hopefully future me agrees.
Happy Holidays, thank you for reading and supporting this year.
Take care,
Lily xx
Thank you for all your wonderful letters this year ❤️ I thoroughly enjoyed them. Wishing you a very happy Christmas with your family!! 🎄✨